Host (SARAH): Welcome back to the show! We are tracking backward all the way to Episode 133, and today we are talking about an absolute masterclass in extreme relationship codependency. Get ready for the tragic, hilarious saga of “The Erin I Breathe.”
Co-Host (MIKE): And that is “Erin” spelled E-R-I-N. As in Erin, the girlfriend of our buddy Dave. Now, we’ve all seen people get into relationships and disappear for a few weeks, right? That’s standard. But Dave took “honeymoon phase” and turned it into an atmospheric requirement.
SARAH: Dave didn’t just fall in love; he completely replaced his entire oxygen supply with Erin’s physical presence. It started small. He stopped using “I” or “me.” Everything became a collective. You’d ask, “Dave, do you want a slice of pizza?” and he’d look at his phone and say, “Erin and we are currently experimenting with a gluten-free lifestyle, so our collective digestive tract says no.”
MIKE: Our collective digestive tract! The man speaks like he’s a member of a sci-fi alien hive mind. I ran into him at the hardware store last month. He was looking at lawnmowers. I said, “Hey Dave, thinking of upgrading?” He looked terrified, leaned in, and whispered, “I have to check with the mothership, Mike. Erin prefers a reel-mower because the sound of a gas engine disrupts her inner alignment.”
SARAH: (Laughs) Her inner alignment! But the absolute peak of “The Erin I Breathe” happened at our annual neighborhood block party. Erin couldn’t make it because she was attending a weekend silent yoga retreat. We thought, Great, we get classic, old-school Dave back for an evening.
MIKE: Oh, we were so naive.
SARAH: Dave showed up to the barbecue wearing a giant, laminated, life-sized photo of Erin’s face on a lanyard around his neck.
MIKE: I wish I was making this up. He walked around the patio, held the photo up to the burger station, and said, “Erin thinks these look a little overcooked, but she appreciates the effort, Kevin.” He was literally speaking on behalf of a piece of glossy cardstock.
SARAH: He even took the photo into the bouncy castle! I watched a forty-year-old man jumping up and down, holding a laminated face of his girlfriend above his head like a championship belt, just screaming, “We’re having so much fun!”
MIKE: It was deeply unsettling. The kids inside the bouncy castle were backing away into the corners. At one point, the lanyard tangled around his neck, and he actually started choking. He stumbled out of the castle gasping, “I… can’t… breathe…” and I yelled, “Dave, take off the lanyard!” and he wheezed, “No! She is the air in my lungs!”
SARAH: (Wheezing) The literal embodiment of the title! You can’t make this stuff up. Eventually, the laminated photo got splashed with some fruit punch, and Dave treated it like a medical emergency. He rushed it to the kitchen, wrapped it in paper towels, and performed chest compressions on the counter.
MIKE: The worst part is that Erin is actually a completely normal, chill person. She has no idea Dave acts like this when she’s not around. She thinks he’s just being sweet and attentive.
SARAH: Meanwhile, Dave is one step away from legally changing his name to “Erin’s Left Arm.” So, if you see Dave out in the wild, look closely at his shadow—there’s a 90% chance it’s shaped like Erin.
MIKE: Give the man some space, he needs all the oxygen he can get.
SARAH: See you next week for Episode 134!
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